In 2019, my seven-year journey to become a mama was realized with the birth of my son, Elliot. A month ago, I had a precious baby girl, Sloane - and while our world is rocked adjusting to two children, my heart has exploded with more love than I could ever imagine. As I feed our sweet baby girl, and Elliot slides on the couch next to me, my heart grows larger than the grinch’s heart at the end of How the Grinch Stole Christmas. But my heart breaks a little when I am unable to provide what one of them needs in a particular moment. It's a crazy rollercoaster.
In the past two years, I have learned you need to have a plan with the expectation of the plan changing. Some days I feel like “oh, yeah I’ve got this” and the next day we are in survival mode - sometimes it’s an hourly change. I find I am constantly letting go of things, letting the balls drop, the cookies crumble and adjusting, all while doing my best to not feel any guilt or resentment of my business or worse of my children. But you roll with it - you are only human and those little moments of hugs, “i love yous”, and cuddles make it all worth it.
While I try to live in the present, my mind can’t help but wander to the future and what it will look like. I daydream of what hobbies, activities, and sports will consume my children’s lives. Whether it's soccer, dance, dinosaurs, acting, or painting (just to name a few) - I can't wait to celebrate their individual passions. No matter what they choose, I don’t want to make my children feel as though they must become something they aren’t to make me proud of them.
These tiny humans are incredible, everyday they learn new things and add it to their world. The wonder that passes over their faces as they realize the animals from their books are real (and live in the backyard!) or experience the taste of a new food - reminds me of how much we take for granted, how little we notice anymore in the rush of getting it all done. I hope I can keep these little moments of wonder in my pocket and take them out when I need to be reminded to slow down and be truly present.
Motherhood has been a surprisingly difficult job, but a beautiful journey. It's an incredible balance of feeling fulfilled and feeling guilt, generosity and selfishness, happiness and frustration, pride and humility, loneliness in constant companionship. I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing but maybe that’s the secret no one ever tells you.
(first & third photos by jamie sapp photography)